BOOK: Penny Arcade - Attack of the Bacon Robots

By Jerry Holkins and Mike Krahulik

Surrealistic funny, snobbishly self referential (but not as bad as it is now) and wrong for all the right reasons, Penny Arcade has been entertaining ‘The living in their parent’s basement’ gamer masses since the year 2000 and this collection of comic strips is their first foray into the world of Web. The strip deals with gamer room-mate friends Tycho and Gabe as they go through their daily life of summoning the devil, fellating the dreamcast and being frightened by bears. There aren’t many laughs out loud strips on display here but the eggs of the insanity that was yet to come are being nestled in your lower intestine. It wasn’t until 2003 (Book 3: The War Sun Chronicles) that the creature reached full strength and burst through your ribcage and ate your eyes. It was then they reached a nice balance between making gaming references and flat out weirdness.

The real question here is ‘Why the hell would I spend my money on something I could get free on the internet?” The answer: BECAUSE I SAID SO! Or if I’m in more polite company, because each strip has its own commentary on its inception and is usually funnier than the strip itself. Jerry Holkins (Tycho) is very talented writer when he sets his mind to it and he’s on his A-Game the whole way through. It’s designed for maximum rip-off value (I don’t want pages and pages of pin-ups. Choke on them instead) but at 11 dollars from most comic shops you can’t go wrong if you must have a physical copy in case the internet disappears and the world markets collapses. We could all be cannibalistic roamers in a post-apocalyptic desert wasteland but you’d have the advantage because you know jokes about Tribes 2!
Or you could borrow my copy.

THE PENNY ARCADE PAGE (THE FREE VERSION!)

COMIX: Jellyfist By Jhohen Vasquez and Jenny Goldberg REVIEW

From the mind that brought you Johnny The Homocidal Maniac (In 1997! Time sure fly when your chopping up people crazily) come the completely out there and beyond (And oddly arousing - I mean - disturbing) comic strips JELLYFIST. Drawn in cartoonishly grotestque detail by Jenny Goldberg, each one of these completely unrelated strips will get one of three reaction "W-h-a-t?", "Hahahahaha!" and "GODMYEYESMUSTDIE!" Half of the time I wasn't quite sure which one was building up inside of me. Then I discovered it was really the cyclops cat fetus that was trying to claw it's way out of my belly. It sure beast the hell out of some of the atrocities you'll find between these pages: Giant Babies being hit by explosive giant salmon, intestine eating best friend parrots and an abusive pair of scrambled eggs. That's the tame stuff. Don't get me started on a lesson about reproduction that involves giant zombie jelly blobs crawling back into the womb.

Printed on a a dirty looking brown paper stock and adorned with muted colours. The book is WAY too pricey at 9 smackeroos for 54 pages, but the commentary by the writer and artist that accompanies each page make up for it a little bit (Hey! I'm cheap allright!) I'd even go as far to say it was more entertaining then the strips themselves. The rambling prose is tiny, dense and mostly composed of redbull fuelled bouts of name-calling, but in the end there's tons of tidbits to be learned. I'm always a sucker for a look into any creative process, even one as scarring as this.

You can pick up a copy of Jelly Fist at all fine Comic Book Store (Grab it at the Beguiling. Right off of BATHHURST!) "TAKE IT LIKE A BITCH!"

WEB: TTC Efficency Guide

For everyone that wants to shave 10 seconds off when stepping onto the subway platform. TTCRIDER.CA provides their "SUBWAY RIDER EFFICIENCY GUIDE" , a nifty little pocket guide that shows you exactly where the stairs, escalators and exits are in each station on the TTC. It's the cheat book all those those lazy sods, victims being chased by werewolves and people that only have a certain amount of steps left before they explode are looking for!

CHECK IT OUT HERE

WEIRD: Cold Water. A national concern.

I spotted this weirdo advertisement a few times while walking through the Sheppard subway station. when did this become a big enough problem that it needs the public attention? I think it was all the mongoose that died in the horrible cold water incidient of '03

FALLING INTO COLD WATER! ARGHHHH!

BOOK: "Night in Lonsome October" By Richard Laymon REVIEW

NON-TORONTO/NON-CANADIAN REVIEW (BOO! HISS!)

The written word will always fail to viscerally scare. Your imagination runs at its own speed and the classic stand-by of the cat JUMPING OUT from behind the garbage can will never have the same sound blasting film effect on the page. Authors have to a throw a prickly blanket over the shivering reader’s body made up of an uneasy sense of dread over to make any kind of impact. The best tales are the ones that keep you up at night, staring at the dancing shadows on the wall, mentally re-enacting the horrifying events you’ve read on the page. Not many writers can do it. Most rely on the cheap grue and gore routine to get the “HORROR” label stamped on the front cover. At first glance that’s how I would categorize Richard Laymon. He’s written over 40 novels filled with all manners of rape, dismemberment and oogly creatures of the night. It’s not a good sign only recently (After his death) he’s started being published in North America after being in circulation for years in Great Britain, New Zealand and Australia. Does this man deserve all the slavish praise from writer luminaries like Stephen King and Jack Ketchum that’s printed on the inside cover? Or is he just another dime store hack that’s better kept in the dusty bargain bin bookstores?

Laymon's hero Ed Logan is brimming with anticipation for his second year at Willmington University. He's been missing Holly, whom he fell in love with the previous year. But when Ed returns to campus, Holly doesn't. He receives a letter that destroys his hopes; she has fallen in love with another man and won't be coming back. Virtually destroyed by the news, Ed struggles to study and even to sleep. Leaving his apartment one night for a walk, he finds that he has moved into what might almost be a different world. There are others out on the streets; are they human, these figures who hide in the shadows? Certainly, the prey they seek is marked for a grisly end. Needless to say, Ed becomes involved with these sinister figures, particularly a mystery girl who will change his life.

Night of Lonesome October is strictly an episodic affair. Ed Logan wanders the night looking for his mystery, sees something odd, and runs away yelping. Repeat. He meet all manner of oddballs, from Cannibals to chuckling old clown things but none of it really impact the story in any kind of way. It’s just there. And weird. It’s actually a little jarring to have the novel END by bringing in one of the many macabre sights we witnessed in the novel. It’s not satisfactory and doesn’t give insight on anything that came before. It feels like Laymon was too busy dreaming up his next novel filled with cyborg-cannibal-rape-jugglers that prey on innocent young school girls then to actual tie any of the threads of his gallery of horrors together.

The font is small, the sentences on the nose, and Laymon loves to describe every single detail: From the CRUNH a potato chip makes to the heat of coffee before someone drinks it. It’s a little annoying at first but once the groove gets going it isn’t that bad a pet peeve. His first person technique of having the Ed argue his actions is also an impressive literary technique. Otherwise, the stalker-ish habits exhibited throughout the novel would rub us even worse than they do now. The side character scream, jump into bed for graphically detailed sexual exploits and confidently fall into over the top hostage situations whenever the plot asks them too. One character may be an evil repressed deviant one page then come to the rescue the next. That’s just lazy writing.

Laymon can craft a creepy scene and put a sympathetic character in the middle of it, but that’s about it. I’d read another novel by Laymon out of sheer macabre interest for a breezy gory read, but I wouldn’t active seek his stuff out.

BUY IT: The books available at most fine and expensive box store book places. Pick it up for the cheapest at Chapters.ca HEEEEEEEEEEEREEEEEE

EVENT: Toronto Roller Derby MAY 24th

I heard about this about a year ago but forgot in the depth of moving to downtown T.O fear that was gripping me at the time. Advertisments have recently popped up in NOW and EYE magazine for the years first match which is The Gore Gore Girls VS The Bay City Betties. It looks like a fun little jaunt to pull off on a Saturday Night. It's May 24th, doors open at 7:00 PM, match starts at 8:00. You can pick up tickets for 10$ (or 15$ at the door) from Rotate This and Soudscapes.

The event is taking place at
215 Ryding Ave. South of St. Clair between Runnymede and Keele

What is Roller Derby?

The Official Website of the Toronto Roller Derby

A video of a past bout between the Gore Gore Girls and The Bruisers

PLACES; Toronto Zine Library

From Answers.com
zine (zēn)
An inexpensively produced, self-published, underground publication: I often contributed cartoons and essays to other people's 'zines, so why didn't I just buckle down and start my own? (Pagan Kennedy).

Come on kids! Drag your cyber polluted eyes off from the screen and hit the pavement in the direction of the coolest word sanctuary in town. Don't let the its one roomed white walled drabness fool ya, the Toronto Zine Library is literally packed to the brims with impossible to find self-published rags from the 70's on. You'll find old Punk Rock newsletters printed on dirty third hand newspaper, personal zines written by mopy 16 year old girls amd glossier publications from the mid-90's that are all but forgotten today (Ben is Dead, Bitch, Fact Sheet). There's all manners of goodies nicely split up into different sections for even the most casual browser (Perzines, Fanzines, Sexual Politics, Angry Hermaprhodites Who Love Pands.) The only reason for you not to check it out is you where born without a brain. Ande even then, make your buddies carry you there.

LIBRARY HOURS ON SUNDAYS FROM 1-3At the Tranzac - 292 Brunswick Ave., next to Future's Bakery - UPSTAIRS IN THE REHEARSAL HALL. During these hours zine librarians will be on hand to answer any questions you may have and help you find what you're looking for. The zines are otherwise available during the Tranzac's open hours (weekdays after 5, weekends after 1) as long as the REHEARSAL HALL (upstairs, remember!) isn't in use.

http://torontozinelibrary.blogspot.com/ For an index of everything on file.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=83562653 for updates

WEB NEWS: Bloggie Thing

Wow-Zah. We have a FACEBOOK group now? I hear that’s the new hip thing to do.

TELL YOUR FRIENDS OR BE REJECTED.

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=21794231092

COMIX: Rex Libris VOL 1: I Librarian REVIEW

Rex Libris: I Librarian.
Written and Drawn by: James Turner

The day I read a comic that features a pistol packing librarian fighting a demon samurai over a library crad is the day I can die. What’s that? It happens in the first two pages of Toronto native James Turner’s “Rex Libris: I Librarian”? My bad. I meant the first day I see an army of partially mechanical snow men take on a libr--- That’s in there too? Jeez. There can’t be a wise cracking sparrow bent on world domination can there? Really? Wow. I’d better get my noose ready.

“The series follows the adventures of Rex Libris, the Head Librarian at the Middleton Public Library. Unbeknownst to the general public, Rex is actually over a thousand years old, and was the original librarian at the Library of Alexandria. He is a member of the the Ordo Bibliotecha, an international secret society of librarians. With the aid of the ancient god Thoth, who lives beneath the Library, Rex travels to the fartherest reaches of the universe to collect late book fees, and to fight the powers of ignorance and darkness.”

The first thing you’ll notice when cracking open the book is the odd way Mr. Libri’s world is brought to life. Completely created in Adobe Illustrator through the use of Vectors (A complex version of Connect the Dots) the result is a clean cut style is like nothing you’ve ever seen in comic form (Well, it’s new to me!) James Turner has been working in advertising for 15 years and it’s obvious on the page that he’s done nothing but perfect his style. The storytelling is spot on, if a little slow paced at first, but read in the paperback format it flows surprisingly well.

Silly without ever become grating, Rex Libris succeeds where most so called graphic “comedy” fails. It creates a believable world where our relatively straight laced heroes can bounce his working man’s view of the world off the odd-balls around him. This could have all easily collapses on itself, but Turner keeps it all the plates spinning without breaking a sweat. It’s the fact that the comedy is played on an epic canvas that it works. The heroics on display are everyday occurrences for all these characters, but they’re still given the wide-screen treatment they deserve. You’d almost believe this is all based on true events. Which it is.

The thing that will make or break your enjoyment of this brilliant piece of brilliance is the fact that Rex Libris is wordy to the point that you go “Ugh! Why are there so many pictures in all these words?”. Text crowds the page as if it was attempting to escape. It’s not the kind of book you read standing on a crowded subway at eight AM in the morning. It’s the kind of entertainment you enjoy in a comfy leather chair with iced tea and a corn cob pipe. Every now and then you have to go “Hmmm” in a slightly British fashion to get maximum fun out of it. And as odd as that sounds, that’s a hugely positive plug, and I can’t wait to read the further adventures of everyone’s favorite Kick-Ass Sesquepedalian Librarian.

NOTE: You can pick up this book and a slew of other classy indie four colour fun times at The Beguiling. All the cool kids are doing it.

The Beguiling
601 Markham StreetToronto,
ON M6G
2L7
(416) 533-9168

PERSONAL: The House of Lords Cut It All Off

My hair and I have a shaky allegiance. I let it do its own thing and it lets me live. Even if it’s own thing includes growing into a huge curly ‘fro that kills anyone that dares call it "Sheep-Like". But eventually (And under pressure from certain female figures) the whole “getting it cut” thing must come into play. And even though I’ve been in Toronto for almost a year now, I have no set place to get the operation done. Doing a quick search on Google, a salon called ‘House of Lords’ rose to the top as the most recommended venue. I had actually walked by it a few times and been confused, because it looks more like a concert hall then a hair salon. No matter. If it’s cheap. I’m in.

The lady at the counter popped her gum and glanced at me disapprovingly. The place was packed. A kid stared at me miserably beside his long haired father. He shot daggers at me as if it completely my fault he was about to have his scalp tortured.
I tried to yell over “Back in Black” as it roared on the loudspeaker. I didn't win.
“How long do I have to---“ I sputtered before being cut off with a bubble gum popped glance.
“Ten minutes. Sit down.”
Meekly, I shuffled over to the waiting area . Ten SECONDS later a small Asian woman poked me in the ribs. I think she wanted to steal one.
“You fjadlkaldjks?” she said in under the blaring pop music.
“Pardon?” I asked.
“kjdsakdkljskla” she said. This time her eyebrows arched as if saying “Last time now. Answer or get out of my sight YOU FOOL”
“Yes” I said with a smile and and nod. I hoped deep down I wasn’t agreeing to anything illegal.
She hustled me over across the casualties of snipping and I sat down in a barbers chair and started to sweat. I really hoped this wasn't going to hurt. And if it did, I hoped I'd fall unconcious quick.
“How you want hair?” she asked as she attempted to drown the matted black stuff on the top of my head.
“Ughhhh”. I hate this part. It doesn’t help that my instructions mostly involving miming scissors cutting with the phrase “Short, but not TOO short” repeated till it sounded right. I really hoped I don’t get a skinhead job like last time.
I finish my performance and the woman nods as if the universe’s infinite puzzle has finally been solved.
“We make you sexy.” She said “Now hunch down in the chair.”
What? Is there a sniper with a bead trained on my forehead?
“HUNCH down” she said with a shove and I slumped in my chair. Oh, I guess chairs here don’t lift. Or her foot was severed in a horrible alligator related incident and she can’t maneuver the lifting pedal anymore. Both plausible excuses.
Before the words "How was your day? Any fatalities?" the buzzer was out and wanted revenge on all those hairs that dared grow. VROOOOM. It went high. Too high. I tried to swallow but my saliva had seeked refuge. I blinked. The scissors where unsheathed . I could barely feel them as they SNIPPED-SNIPPED every which way but loose. She was a pro. Usually I get the feeling the barber would rather rip the hairs from my head then cut them. I think I could finally rela----
“All done!” my surgeon screamed into my ear.
I stared for a second and squinted. I looked good. Well, as good as bespectacled kid with a Transformers t-shirt could look.

While it was a bit disorientating at first, House of Lords was very quick, cheap (14$ for me) and didn’t end with my ear on the ground as I screamed and grasped at a the squirting wound. Check it out if you don’t know where to go and want nothing more then a simple slash and dash.

House of Lords

639 Yonge Street

Toronto, ON M4Y 1Z9

(416) 962-1111

CONCERT: Spiral Beach REVIEW

Spiral Beach, The Opera House, May 18th 2008


The pre-teen looking Spiral-Beach started off with a bang with their song “New Cloud” on a stage decorated to reflect their wacky and off-beeat (if slightly forced) attitude. Hundreds of helium filled balloons floated (and where batted at) and orange traffic cones littered the stage. There where old cartoons and the live footage of the band projected on the back wall through a few wonky distortion filters. The music was energetic and loud, but suffered from sounding all the same. It was GIANT WALL OF SOUND syndrome. The crowd seemed to be into it, but then again, it also felt like they were all classmates of the people pretending to be rock stars on stage. That’s was the other problem, the lead singer/keyboardist Maddy Wilde was way too busy TRYING to be a rock diva then actually being one(Strutting does not = Stage Precense) Guitarist and Basist Daniel Woodhead and Dorian Thornton came off much better as being humble and human as they interacted with the crowd and strummed their instruments with all the enthusiasm they could muster. The headlining affair lasted a mere 45 minutes and ended with a bit of a clunker, instead of their new UK single, the perfect pop-electro composition Voodo (which they pumped out halfway through the show). Spiral Beach is an energetic little band that needs to work on a longer set that ditches all the novelties for pure musical performance.

CONCERT: "The Cure at the ACC" Review

The Cure, ACC, Thursday May 15, 2008

Review by Emily Taylor

The Cure, on their '4Tour World Tour 2007-08' opened strong with “Open” and it didn’t stop. Though a few songs from their new, unreleased and untitled album (scheduled for Fall 2008 release) did make the set list, this was a concert that spanned a lot of The Cure’s considerable repertoire. The show was a long one: three hours long, with three encores, but it was a concert with something for every type of fan. Both crowd pleasers and obscurities peppered the set list, from “Friday I’m in Love” to “The Walk”. Unfortunately, the crowd seemed enthusiastic only at times (especially during the fan favourites), but for the most part seemed more subdued given the efforts from the band and the amazing range of repertoire being presented.

The music was good, but some songs were glaringly missing their keyboard parts (“Lullaby” without keyboards just isn’t the same!) but the band did a great job adding them in where they could. Still, the show would have been improved with an actual keyboard player. Still, Robert Smith’s howling, characteristic voice hasn’t changed a bit since the band’s inception in 1976, and he was in top form.

Porl Thompson on lead guitar (decked out in sparking ruby platform shoes), Simon Gallup on bass, and drummer Jason Cooper rounded out the band members headed by Robert Smith, characteristically decked out with long stringy black hair, white face, black eyeliner and uneven red lipstick. The show was great: as a huge fan of The Cure for as long as I can remember, the 4Tour Toronto show was both entertaining and well put together, and made me remember the reasons why I loved The Cure in the first place: epic songs, introspective lyrics, and a sound like no other.

Set List:
Open, Fascination Street, The Walk, End of the World, Lovesong, Pictures of You, Lullaby, The Perfect Boy, From the Edge of the Deep Green Sea, Hot Hot Hot, Sleep When I'm Dead, Push, Friday I'm in Love, Inbetween days, Just Like Heaven, Primary, Shake Dog Shake, Never Enough, The Only One, Wrong Number, One Hundred Years, End

E1: The Lovecats, Let's Go to Bed, Freakshow, Close to Me, Why Can't I Be You?,

E2: Boys Don't Cry, Jumping Someone Else's Train, Grinding Halt, 10:15 Saturday Night, Killing an Arab

E3: Play for Today, A Forest

COMIX: Wormwood (2007) REVIEW

Wormwood

Story: Garth Ennis

Art: Jacen Burrows

The end of the world has been presented a gajillion different ways in the popular culture vortex, but gives it up to Garth Ennis (Mastermind behind the shock for shock titles “Preacher” and “The Boys”) to bring us a tale where the son of the devil would rather just have nice after snex snooze then sicking the undead to feast upon the living. Danny Wormwood would is fine more running an extreme HBO style television station, sleeping with his beautiful four year girlfriend and grabbing a drink with the re-incarnated (And due to an unfortunate event) brain damaged Jesus H. Christ. Problem is Wormwood IS the Anti-Chirst. He has a part to play in the apocalypse whether he wants too or not. His father is going to see to that. On the other hand, his foul mouthed rabbit sidekick doesn’t really care, just as long as Wormwood brings home carrots every night

Wormwood moves at a decent clip with a character that is gleefully self aware without being stuck-up. He singles out his slightly evil deeds (Say, like screwing around with Joan of Arc) in the tone of someone who really feels bad about it, which maeks him instantly relatable. His two partners in crime, Jesus and the rabbit bring a lighter air to the proceedings when they get ultra-bloody. We go to heaven and hell in the pages of the book but even then the story churns along without much of a threat until the final two issues. I didn’t really mind, I was comfortable with the knowledge that something interesting would be thrown at me every few pages. The art by Jacen Burrows is incredibly detailed and eye catching, but slightly static and superficial at the same time. His lines are a little TOO clean and movement doesn’t have much weight behind it. But wow, the guy does have an obsession with drawing horrible hellish landscapes. I have a funny feeling his inside-covers that begin issue will join me in dream-land.

Wormwood doesn’t seem to have anything on its mind other than to shock and entertain with a take on Religion and Politics being a light poke at worst. It’s a nice (and superior) companion piece to Mark Millar’s Violence Filled Jesus re-telling “Chosen”

NOTE: Not to be confused with the OTHER comic entitled Wormwood: Gentelmen Coprse by Ben Templesmith.

THEATER: Evil Dead The Musical (2008) REVIEW

I’m going to wear my glow in the dark “BIASED” shirt with pride! I love the work of Director Sam Raimi, director of the Evil Dead. My man love crush is and always be Bruce Campbell, star of the Evil Dead. And over the top musicals fill my dreams on a bi-daily basis. Mix them together, put them on stage in front of me, take a step back and you have yourself something that can’t possibly miss the broad side of an evil demon possessed rape tree.

Evil Dead The Musical is everything and more you’d expect from the filmic trilogy that gave new life to the word “Groovy.” Ashley J. Williams spends a weekend with his friends in an old abandoned cabin in the woods. Demons make an appearance. Headless corpses with chainsaws run amuck. Everything and the kitchen sink is thrown on stage and while lots of stuff falls flat (Like some of the heavy handed fan pandering) most of the big laughs score big. The set is designed to a tee and while they constantly make fun of the supposedly “low budget”, many of the set pieces, like the way every household item sings along to the “Join Us” number, are epic in scope and execution. The songs range from memorable (“What the fuck was that?”) to slightly amusing (“Do the Necromonicon”) without any stinkers to speak of. Star suprime Ryan Ward makes Ash his own while throwing out classic corkers like “Good..Bad…I’m the one with the gun” with the greatest of ease. My main fear was the lack of blood in the first act, but once the climax hits and the air compressors are activated to level of DRENCH THE AUDIENCE IN GORE! All I could do was grin like a kid in the glow of a Sunday three stooges marathon

CONCERT: Spiral Beach dosen't bite.

I haven't had a a chance to check out there new album "Ball" out yet, but from the tracks that they have up on their Myspace page HERE, Toronto native thrash-pop-electro band Spiral Beach sounds to be one hell of a wicked show live. And on that note, their playing at The Opera House (A nice big classy venue) for a measly 11 and change (Available at Rotate This, Soundscapes and TicketHELLster). I'll be there and back with a review once the singing starts again.

*It's sad that I'm not getting paid for this. Look at all that slavish hyberbolic praise!*

EVENT: The (Non-Evil) Circus is in Town.

If you want yourself a taste of acrobats, fire-breathers and contortionist for the price of FREE, head down to Harbourfront Centre235 Queens Quay WestToronto, OntarioCanada this weekend to check out the "Toronto International Circus Festival". It's open from 11:00 AM to 5:00 PM and you can find a program guide at http://www.tocircusfestival.com/home.html. I'll be on the side-lines making sure no kids get dragged into the shadows by those pesky child eating clowns.

Helmet? Set Belts? Barf Bags? Wicked. Blast-Off!

Welcome to the first shinypost of V-Comet. Our goal is to Be Toronto's avourite enthusiastic sugar fuelled Entertainment Blog based or our money back!

Most of our posts will strictly be for the locals of our favourite urban wasteland but don’t fret, everything written here is done in clear distinct personal style with tons of fancy adjectives, so we can guarantee that they’ll be a crumb of enjoyment for everyone and their in-bred Doberman.

We’re looking for contributors! So if think you have some word-smith skillz to bring to the table when it comes to theatre, music, odd events or well-worn Toronto customs, send us a writing sample! And for any film related discussion, jump down to sister site FILM JUNKIES ( ). All the cool kids are doing it.

See you on the next post. Or not. Our feelings won't be hurt our anything *sniffle*

- Justin